It’s been a really long time since I’ve written anything here…but I needed a place to keep my big thoughts recently. A lot has changed, and like everything else so am I. I have recently been on a journey…half spiritual, half self-finding. I can’t say that it has all been successful, but it’s not over yet.

What I realized this morning… just because we love something or someone doesn’t mean that our love doesn’t or can’t hurt them. Just because it’s love (a positive thing) doesn’t mean it can’t hurt, damage, or cause a negative effect. Even if you never meant for it to hurt someone, doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt them, nor does it alleviate your accountability in the harm it caused just because you didn’t mean for it to be harmful. That’s a lot when getting ready for work and just waking up. I know.

Looking back, I realize that my love can be sharp, call out things people aren’t ready to have called out, push people, etc. In my mind and heart, I’m doing it because I love them and I want to help or fix something. AND THAT RIGHT THERE IS WRONG. I get that it’s human nature and my nature to want to fix things and make them better. But there was really nothing about this person that I needed to make better. They were perfect as they were. I shouldn’t have tried to fix, I should have supported.

I’m also not perfect, which he succinctly pointed out, and I own that. He had every right to call me out on my shit like I was calling him out. But he never tried to fix or change me.

I realized too that my love probably hurt him as much, if not more, as his behaviors were hurting me. I should have been softer. I should have been supportive. I could have been had I realized sooner. He tried to tell me my words hurt, but what I heard was my tone and verbiage were wrong. I misunderstood his meaning. My perspective didn’t match with his.

The worst part is realizing this too late. The best part is that I’m realizing it at all and can try to do better.